The ways the 3 day mirrors life

So yesterday I started the day is a really down mood. Truly deep and dark and sad. It happens to everyone one in a while and the past few weeks I was slogging through a cold, slow business and a deepening depression. Today I feel more hopeful, happier and confident. What was the difference?

Well, I listened to my own words. I looked at my survivor speech from 2012. My sermon so to speak to other survivors to proudly be who they are and let the world know they had indeed survived. That the very act of doing that gives other people hope.

I thought for a minute and realized, I can say that to others, but can I say it to myself. The talk was about hope and belief. It culminates with the thought hope leads to optimism and what follows optimism is belief. And we if believe there will be a cure for Breast Cancer there will be a cure. I can believe there will be an end to Breast Cancer, but there are times I don't believe in myself. When I don't believe in myself, I become pessimistic, and when I am pessimistic I lose hope. It is a mirror image of what I really have chosen to live when I participate in the 3 day. It is the polar opposite. And it isn't me.

When I walk in the 3 day my life hums. It is one of my sweet spots. There are moments in my business life when things hum...when I find a client a new home. When I help people reach their goals and guide them on their way. I know I am good at what I do. I am one of the best. I know I have a reputation that others envy for integrity and creativity and common sense. I also know the slow times will pass. But I am looking at what I do and want to find a way to tweak what I do to be more present and positive. To focus less on competition and more on what I enjoy and do well.

I have to say thank you to the 3 day for allowing me to make that speech. I wrote the words for others, but no one needed to hear the words more than me.

http://youtu.be/ezeBouoCXhA

Perceptions of Perfection

I  just read someone’s Facebook posting in which a Doctor had written an article about Cancer survivors. It brought up for me some fundamental problems I have found in how people perceive survivors.

I suppose it is normal that we want to make these people all these things… “courageous “, “wise” ,“good at helping others through similar situations”, “ Ethereal”, “ knows priorities”, “They don’t sweat the small stuff” ,“They don’t hold a grudge”… etc… Basically we bestow on them some sort of saintliness just because they had Cancer.

For a long time I struggled with this perception because I didn’t see those qualities as always being present in my life. In fact it made me so uncomfortable that I didn’t talk much about being a survivor. Part of the reason for my silence was a low grade fear of recurrence, but a lot of it revolved around this expectation of other worldliness that I simply did not deserve.

 Take me right now for example. Truth be told, I can hold a pretty good grudge for a pretty long time. That is not a good quality, nor is it healthy for me, but I know myself and once I am put in a position of feeling used or abused, I hold onto that feeling. If truth also is told, it would say, I am human and I try.

I hope I am no different from anyone in that I try to help others with the benefit of my experiences. I try to not sweat the small stuff. I try to find courage when I need it and help other find theirs if they have lost it. I am not Ethereal; I am very grounded in this earth I live in. But I do see beyond this place to another and know this life is all temporary and our eternity is so so much more.

 I do not think these insights came completely from MY Cancer, but my Cancer has been a part of my journey and has helped define me. It has also helped define those around me. My children were young when I was diagnosed 10 and 12. They too have been forged in the drama of my Cancer. My husband, our friends, my siblings all have been affected by my Cancer.

 
Reading the Doctor’s account of these wise Cancer survivors, I was faced with what the world wishes Cancer survivors think, or do, or are.  I was faced with how I fall short.   I asked myself what I was going to do about it… truth be told, not much. I will continue to be who I am, and that may be that I carry a grudge and I will take a long time to forget a wrong. But, I have to say I am quick to forgive. There is a difference.

I remember what I said in my survivor speech and I still believe it. The most important thing about our survival is that it gives others hope. Our survival is very important for others to see and so it is very important for us to share. The perceptions of perfection that go with it, well, we may just have to live with and hope in being human we don’t disappoint too much. We didn’t have a choice about having Cancer, but we all have a choice about how we live.

 

2014 - It will be an adventure

It’s a New Year and with the New Year will come new adventures.

 

It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Frankly I debated whether to continue it at all. I have kept it since 2009 and that is a lot of me…me talking, me walking, me wondering. I “wonder” now if this blog is of any interest to others and if it is worth the time and commitment it takes to make it readable. But I have elected to give it a go, and see where my writing here leads.

 

Part of my hesitancy lately frankly has been there has been too much to say. There has been the dissolution of a business partnership of 4 years (as close to a divorce as I have ever gotten). It came at a time I was getting ready to leave for Bolivia. It came out of the blue over the phone in a hurtful way. I was surprised, and the fact I was surprised made me angry at myself. I saw this coming a year before but brushed it all under the carpet choosing instead of doing the hard thing of moving on. So since then I have moved on and my focus is on fine tuning a business that reflects me and the values I hold as important.

 

Glenn and I went to Bolivia with this unfinished business on my mind. Part of the challenge of the trip was to put those thoughts where they belonged, and I think I was about 90% effective. I was able to enjoy a slice of my daughter’s life. I hugged our little Alex and climbed the cliffs of Isla Del Sol, we attended our national Day at the Ambassador’s residence, we walked the paths of the Incas and those civilizations that went before. Thanksgiving with a real turkey. Christmas two weeks early.  Sights and sounds and smells I have never experienced. A sky of stars in a southerly direction. All beginning with a stay at a Bolivian Hospital for altitude sickness. STILL in the midst of all this living I put a house in escrow, helped arranged and explain inspections on a house in Mill Valley. All via Skype and docusign, email and experience. Blogging wasn’t in my plans.

 

 

 

 

Coming back, in two days, still jet lagged, we picked up our daughter Katie from the airport for a short visit. We put on our annual Christmas party. We then took our daughter back to the airport. We had the celebration of the holidays and the welcoming of the New Year. And now, I look ahead to 2014 with optimism but I have to say, I know it will be a challenge.

 

There is the business side of it. With redoubled efforts to take back my brand, I am, as I always am, anxious about my income. So much of Real Estate is out of our control. What IS in my control will be my focus. Who I am in Real Estate should be my choice. It has always been my choice to be who I am period. By being my genuine self I built my business to be one of the most successful in Marin. By being myself, I attracted people who are easier for me work with. Being a solo agent doesn’t mean I am alone. I love to mentor people, but to partner is not in the cards. I am looking forward to seeing how my year evolves. I am excited to be myself.

 

 

 

There is the “Breast Cancer” side of it. I started this blog to chronicle my journey during the Komen 3 day. This year will see my 8^th and 9^th walks. This year we will be walking in Seattle and San Diego. Seattle is first September 19-21 and then Nov. 21-23 in San Diego. Our team currently consists of people who are all very important to me. In Seattle there is family (both daughters even the one from Bolivia!) my niece, a high school friend, college friends, a friend from the SF 3 day. In San Diego right now we besides me three 3 day friends. One coming from Missouri, one from New Jersey and one from Napa. I am hoping this team grows to include many more 3 day folks. They have become another kind of family to me. All these people share the same passion for ending Breast Cancer. Each has their own very personal reasons to walk. They all have enriched my life and inspired me.  So part of the reason I will attempt to write a sixth year of this blog is because I know I will be learning lessons on the way but sometimes the writing makes those lessons even more clear.

 

So my friends. If you enjoy reading this blog, by all means chime in and let me know. If you don’t I suppose you haven’t read this anyway, so continue not reading it.

 

2014 it will be an adventure, I hope you will come along and see what we discover.

DAY 2 Atlanta - Gone with the Drizzle

I could have entitled this post "Gone with the Wind" but truly the rain that fell, fell without much wind, and it was mild in comparison with the deluge the DC walkers faced. In preparation for precipitation I had brought duct tape and about 30 shower caps and 12 pink ponchos. I had dutifully researched on Google how to keep our shoes dry. I was ready. When we went to sleep after day 1 we were assured an even lesser chance of rain that the day we had just finished... and it never rained. So when I got dressed and headed off with Patti and Kathy, I didn't put any shower caps or ponchos for that matter in my pack.

When we emerged from the Hotel to grab our taxi, I saw cloudy skies and even a little drizzle on the windshield. SURELY this wouldn't last! Thank goodness Kathy had two ponchos in her backpack...becuase I needed one.

At Camp people began to line up to get ready to take off. There is something really excited (even though you are dead tired) about seeing a group of pink clad warriors ready to hit the streets. Each and every one of them have reasons to be there. Walking 60 miles in 3 days is no walk in the park. It takes a lot of passion and this you can see fairly easily on the faces of the walkers. A team surrounding a member who obviously is either in the midst of chemo or just finishing it, a Mother and her daughter with unspoken determination to beat this disease. Husbands with shirts honoring wives they have lost. You cannot in all good conscious complain, whimper or whine in the face of such courage.

But walking in not melancholy it is triumphant. The crew who cheer you on, give you an extra bonce in your step. Somehow when the blisters form and walking begins to take it toll, you walk on. How can you not. There is no shame however with sweeping to walk another day and we all encourage each other to take care of ourselves so we can continue the fight.

Since I started walking in 2009, I have met a lot of people both at the 3 day and online. They are like family to me. Here in Atlanta I had a chance to meet face to face some of the people I had only known from a distance. What a gift to see... they are as they seem, very much a part of the passion I live when I walk the 3 day. Here are some pictures of day 2. (They call them Komen miles and theoretically we were to finish 40 total by the end of the day..... I personally believe we walked a few beyond that on our way to End Breast Cancer).

 

 

 

 

MIKE PINK SHOES

This man is a sweet kind sole who has been a huge supporter of countless walkers. I remember when he donated $10 to my walk out of no where. It made me smile... it made me walk even stronger.

 

Patti reached the breaking point on this day with blisters that were multiplying by the minute. She opted to save some tenacity for Day 3. FIRST time this girl has taken a sweep van and she made the right move.

 

Kathy and I walked the rest of the day together.

 But you are NEVER alone!

 Walking every damp mile of the 20 miles until we reached camp.

 

But poor Kathy had noticed a hurting big toe. She was horrified to see an enormous blister under the toe nail. Medical suggested she wait for the doctor to come to lance it. They felt surely she would lose the nail at some point. She opted to return to the hotel.

 

So back we went to go to bed to be ready to return the next day for DAY 3 ... the final day. Our team was wounded but not out of it....

 

Day 1 Atlanta, Are We There Yet rises again

It's been a week since I was walking in a heavy drizzle, or a light rain depending on your level of optimism. My whole life I have heard the words of my Mother speak longingly for the warmth and culture of the South, yet the furthest I had ever travel was Virginia (choosing to call Texas a different kind of critter). So the commitment to come to Atlanta brought with it for me a kind of homage to my Mom. The idea began when Judi who has walked with us in DC decided to walk in SF. I promised her then I would come to walk Atlanta. Originally we were to merge two teams into one Are We There Yet - Pink Panthers. However, the pink Panthers opted not to participate this year so the team came down to 4 Tri Deltas, Patti Bott, Carol Smith, Kathy Heckathorne and me and Judi.

Shortly before we took off, we got a email from Carol saying unfortunately she would not be able to fly to Atlanta from Minnesota. She had had eye surgery and the eyes were infected. It would be a huge risk to fly. Then after Judi picked us up at the airport, I could tell something was wrong. She wasn't quite herself. She was a bit more subdued. I thought, well maybe it is because her husband is there, maybe is just is quieter around him. What I came to find out was she too would not be walking with us the next morning at Stone Mountain. She had gotten ready to walk the day before with a friend who arrived to find her in a cold sweat. She was taken to the ER where she was determined to have dangerously high blood pressure. She simply could not walk without a great deal of danger. So our numbers now were 3. As we got dressed and ready to walk over to the opening ceremonies, I was a touch melancholy. Missing our friends, worried about their health, and yet determined to walk this walk proud and strong.

It was a happy sight for me to see numbers like a couple of years ago in SF. Over 1000 walkers and over 300 crew gathered in the shadow of a huge granite mountain carved with Confederate generals. I immediately ran into a Facebook friend I had gotten to know who was wearing a skirt of ribbon and the names of two people I know who we recently lost to Cancer. Somehow, once you are a part of this 3 day family you are never alone. I saw Dr. Sheri and gave her a huge hug congratulating her on her recent marriage. Patti and I stood as we had before listening to words we have heard before that crystalize why we walk. "We walk, because they cannot." Too many have been lost. We are living testaments to the advancements in treatment these walks have helped fund.

 

And to the sounds of "Firework" we walked off to show " 'em what we're worth...".

 

The route was filled will support (even on a Friday!). We walked from Stone Mountain down through some pretty nice neighborhoods, into Atlanta until we reached the Georgia World Conference Center. The 3 day was filming their 2014 commercials during this walk. We noticed the film company had selected some pretty young perky girls to film as we walked into the Convention Center.

 

 

 

 

Judi came to join us for the camp show.

 

 

And to welcome back the last walker of the day with the raising of the flag, One day closer to a world without Breast Cancer.

We left to go back to the hotel and our koosy beds and slippers. Showers that weren't in a truck and rooms that didn't reverberate the snoring of 1000 tired walkers.

 

 

Off we drifted to sleep waiting for Day 2 and a forecast of 20% chance of showers.