Perceptions of Perfection

I  just read someone’s Facebook posting in which a Doctor had written an article about Cancer survivors. It brought up for me some fundamental problems I have found in how people perceive survivors.

I suppose it is normal that we want to make these people all these things… “courageous “, “wise” ,“good at helping others through similar situations”, “ Ethereal”, “ knows priorities”, “They don’t sweat the small stuff” ,“They don’t hold a grudge”… etc… Basically we bestow on them some sort of saintliness just because they had Cancer.

For a long time I struggled with this perception because I didn’t see those qualities as always being present in my life. In fact it made me so uncomfortable that I didn’t talk much about being a survivor. Part of the reason for my silence was a low grade fear of recurrence, but a lot of it revolved around this expectation of other worldliness that I simply did not deserve.

 Take me right now for example. Truth be told, I can hold a pretty good grudge for a pretty long time. That is not a good quality, nor is it healthy for me, but I know myself and once I am put in a position of feeling used or abused, I hold onto that feeling. If truth also is told, it would say, I am human and I try.

I hope I am no different from anyone in that I try to help others with the benefit of my experiences. I try to not sweat the small stuff. I try to find courage when I need it and help other find theirs if they have lost it. I am not Ethereal; I am very grounded in this earth I live in. But I do see beyond this place to another and know this life is all temporary and our eternity is so so much more.

 I do not think these insights came completely from MY Cancer, but my Cancer has been a part of my journey and has helped define me. It has also helped define those around me. My children were young when I was diagnosed 10 and 12. They too have been forged in the drama of my Cancer. My husband, our friends, my siblings all have been affected by my Cancer.

 
Reading the Doctor’s account of these wise Cancer survivors, I was faced with what the world wishes Cancer survivors think, or do, or are.  I was faced with how I fall short.   I asked myself what I was going to do about it… truth be told, not much. I will continue to be who I am, and that may be that I carry a grudge and I will take a long time to forget a wrong. But, I have to say I am quick to forgive. There is a difference.

I remember what I said in my survivor speech and I still believe it. The most important thing about our survival is that it gives others hope. Our survival is very important for others to see and so it is very important for us to share. The perceptions of perfection that go with it, well, we may just have to live with and hope in being human we don’t disappoint too much. We didn’t have a choice about having Cancer, but we all have a choice about how we live.

 

2014 - It will be an adventure

It’s a New Year and with the New Year will come new adventures.

 

It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Frankly I debated whether to continue it at all. I have kept it since 2009 and that is a lot of me…me talking, me walking, me wondering. I “wonder” now if this blog is of any interest to others and if it is worth the time and commitment it takes to make it readable. But I have elected to give it a go, and see where my writing here leads.

 

Part of my hesitancy lately frankly has been there has been too much to say. There has been the dissolution of a business partnership of 4 years (as close to a divorce as I have ever gotten). It came at a time I was getting ready to leave for Bolivia. It came out of the blue over the phone in a hurtful way. I was surprised, and the fact I was surprised made me angry at myself. I saw this coming a year before but brushed it all under the carpet choosing instead of doing the hard thing of moving on. So since then I have moved on and my focus is on fine tuning a business that reflects me and the values I hold as important.

 

Glenn and I went to Bolivia with this unfinished business on my mind. Part of the challenge of the trip was to put those thoughts where they belonged, and I think I was about 90% effective. I was able to enjoy a slice of my daughter’s life. I hugged our little Alex and climbed the cliffs of Isla Del Sol, we attended our national Day at the Ambassador’s residence, we walked the paths of the Incas and those civilizations that went before. Thanksgiving with a real turkey. Christmas two weeks early.  Sights and sounds and smells I have never experienced. A sky of stars in a southerly direction. All beginning with a stay at a Bolivian Hospital for altitude sickness. STILL in the midst of all this living I put a house in escrow, helped arranged and explain inspections on a house in Mill Valley. All via Skype and docusign, email and experience. Blogging wasn’t in my plans.

 

 

 

 

Coming back, in two days, still jet lagged, we picked up our daughter Katie from the airport for a short visit. We put on our annual Christmas party. We then took our daughter back to the airport. We had the celebration of the holidays and the welcoming of the New Year. And now, I look ahead to 2014 with optimism but I have to say, I know it will be a challenge.

 

There is the business side of it. With redoubled efforts to take back my brand, I am, as I always am, anxious about my income. So much of Real Estate is out of our control. What IS in my control will be my focus. Who I am in Real Estate should be my choice. It has always been my choice to be who I am period. By being my genuine self I built my business to be one of the most successful in Marin. By being myself, I attracted people who are easier for me work with. Being a solo agent doesn’t mean I am alone. I love to mentor people, but to partner is not in the cards. I am looking forward to seeing how my year evolves. I am excited to be myself.

 

 

 

There is the “Breast Cancer” side of it. I started this blog to chronicle my journey during the Komen 3 day. This year will see my 8^th and 9^th walks. This year we will be walking in Seattle and San Diego. Seattle is first September 19-21 and then Nov. 21-23 in San Diego. Our team currently consists of people who are all very important to me. In Seattle there is family (both daughters even the one from Bolivia!) my niece, a high school friend, college friends, a friend from the SF 3 day. In San Diego right now we besides me three 3 day friends. One coming from Missouri, one from New Jersey and one from Napa. I am hoping this team grows to include many more 3 day folks. They have become another kind of family to me. All these people share the same passion for ending Breast Cancer. Each has their own very personal reasons to walk. They all have enriched my life and inspired me.  So part of the reason I will attempt to write a sixth year of this blog is because I know I will be learning lessons on the way but sometimes the writing makes those lessons even more clear.

 

So my friends. If you enjoy reading this blog, by all means chime in and let me know. If you don’t I suppose you haven’t read this anyway, so continue not reading it.

 

2014 it will be an adventure, I hope you will come along and see what we discover.