LIFE......

I have been having a conversation with a friend about mortality.

I suppose the first time I thought about my own death was when I was a little kid. I don't know why. I am told that isn't really a normal thought for kids to have, but I used to have that thought on a regular basis. It wasn't as if there was a lot of dying going on around me. I had all four grandparents and they were a big part of my life, but every once in awhile, my heart would race and I would be swallowed by fear, break into a sweat and think, one day, I am going to die.

Since then I have experienced the passing of people I loved. All four grandparents eventually passed away. First my grandmother (the daughter of the two people in the photos above). She died in 1964 when I was 11. Then my grandmother back east, dying of bone cancer, followed by her husband while I was in high school. The last to go was my grandfather Dietel, who in his passing showed great wisdom and strength battling cancer for all of his adult life, passing at the age of 81. From each of the events, my understanding of life grew as I dealt with their deaths. Because after they were gone, life did indeed go on. All those trite sayings resounded in my ears, "they are never truly gone, they live within your heart." And I found most trite sayings are based in the truth (that's why people say them over and over).

Now our parents are aging. Some have passed on. My Mother died at the age of 49. Glenn's Mother at the age of 80. My father continued his life remarrying 3 times (thank goodness the last one is a keeper). But he has aged and he shows it in his slumped posture and pained walk.

Some of our parents leave us slowly. Dementia, debilitating illness are thieves stealing the quality of the time we have with our loved ones. How in the world does one come to deal with all of this?

It is natural that we look around and realize, all of our friends, everything we know at one time will be gone. The thought can be overwhelming. Look at the pictures of my great grandparents. They and their generation knew all too well the reality of death. In their lives it was far more normal for a person to die before hitting middle age. I seem to recall the life expectancy of people in the 1700s was 35 years old. A lot has changed since then.

As I dealt with the diagnosis of Cancer, I truly avoided thinking about my own mortality. I focused on the day in front of me. I was in survival mode. There were times when I consciously thought, that even though I didn't feel so great, I owed it my children, husband and my friends to show up and be present in my life. I found in doing that I was relishing every minute. There were some rich and most meaningful moments, lived in this time of illness. But I ran from my mortality by avoiding thinking of it. I was too frightened to look.

It is tempting when facing your mortality, to become quite depressed. To freeze in place and wait for your demise. The loss of a loved one often has this effect, it freezes us in fear and helplessness. How cruel and sad to mourn someone you love by stopping living. Instead, to celebrate that person a commitment should be made to grab life by both hands and hold on for the ride.

I think about those people who have gone by, those people I knew, and those I never met. I think about their lives, the richness fills me with wonder. When I wake up and walk out the door, I feel as if there is part of them inside me, passed on to see the sun with many eyes. To feel the wind with a common skin. To taste the wine together and savory the warmth it brings. This life was given to us to live, not just for ourselves, but to honor those who have gone before and inspire those who watch us live.

I will lace up my shoes this afternoon and walk in remembrance, joy and gratitude. Coming close to death, whether your own or someone else's, should leave you determined to live like you never have before. This walk is a celebration of my acceptance of having survived Cancer and the acknowledgment that I almost died from it. Never have I felt so alive. When I ran from my mortality I lived in fear. Now that I have accepted my mortality, I can truly live.

HOW are you living your life? Live it to the fullest! Come to our WINE WARS - August 20th in Mill Valley. Email me for your invitation.